~~Shooting for the Moon~~
Sunday after soccer, I saw a squashed lizard on the road. People think I am morbid, but I think its a statement about death. If shit comes, it comes.
Sounds like Final Destination right? Just watched that show, and lemme tell u, its a gross show that strangely grabs and holds ur attention. I mean, its not everyday u see babes being toasted in a human oven(Uncle! Naked gers on toast, Kopi oh Gao!), guys getting their heads 1.) Blended by a rotating fan, 2.) Loped off by scimitars, 3.) Punctured by nails from a nailer, 4.) Speared by a flag with a sharpened end, 5.) Squashed like a bug.
I mean, if there is one course on "The Art of Dying", I recommend this movie as the 1101E module. LOL. Moral of the story, u cannot escape. Fate is fate. And the 3 who escaped the 1st round, died in a train crash. What's scary is the pictures. I won't divulge too much, but this movie is really not bad. So go ahead.
On a brighter note, hence the happy title, Miss Tan said after her teaching she'll be free to meet me! hooray! XD. Jumpin for joy lol. Miss Tan, pls get well soon k! Hugs!
~} Moonshine
~~Shooting for the Moon~~
Some people think loving is to love with passion and raging emotions.
I think, if u like your partner, all that is needed is for him/her to be happy.
Love is not possession, its not jealousy. It finds its meaning in giving and not receiving. In not being a scoreboard, but in selflessness. Call me a dreamer, an idealist, a fool, but that is how I feel.
Love is a gamble, a throw of the dice that determines your future. Some times luck will rub you the right way and u'll get a good r/s. If not, u'll fail in it.
Its really 50-50, u have as much the chance to hurt the other and vice versa. So do not lament when ur r/s fails, or when she rejects u, cuz u too have hurt others. And its all fair in the end.
~} Moonshine
~~Shooting for the Moon~~
To cut a long long story short, we had over differences and despite all our best efforts, we fell apart.
She told me in the end that she has finally forgotten him. She even sent me an email from him. But by then, I was really too tired to try cuz even then we still quarrelled. The "me" in her mind was this sweet caring guy and I no longer am that guy. For me, she had turned into this stubborn quarrelsome girl. And no longer the sweet girl I loved.
Now, looking back, I can see her sweetness to me in the cards she wrote for me. Dumb me, I guess the love was always there. The chemistry was there. But our characters were too different to produce an ending that is happy.
Tink, I heard u are going abroad, so hmm, have fun k? Have a good rest and recharge your batteries.
To my friend who said I am sappy, haha I am and I am unabashedly so. Cuz when u find a really good guy, u'll be sappy as well. Lol
~} Moonshine
~~Shooting for the Moon~~
K la, Pool won.
Anyway to carry on with the story.
The Orientation:
I remembered the 1st night, we did a precamp thing. To prepare for the freshies. It was raining that night. It was quite a good night. I stayed up to help her finish the ribbons and I gave her a massage cuz she looked super tired. Uh, it was also the first time we spent the night together. (With ppl arnd us of cuz!!) It was damn sweet, cuz the feeling of a loved 1 sleeping by ur side, well, now did I understand wad happiness is. However, the next morning, something happened. She did not talk to me and when she did, it was perfunctory.
What happened? I had no idea.
So.. wad the hell? The days passed and still she did not respond. In fact, I rarely got to see her. And when I did, she responded like a stranger. I felt weird. I felt like I was in love with a stranger. Her gaze was strangely accusing. Cold even. I tried to ask her but she said nothing was wrong. Like a dog and I mean a dog, I followed her, desperately trying to know wad I had done wrng. The last night was a clubbing night at Coyote Ugly. I sat in the coach, and I could feel tears trickling dwn my cheeks. I was totally bewildered. What is it? Did I say something wrong? The more I thought, the sadder I became. I tot that maybe it'll be ok once we got there. We would dance together and perhaps, everything will be ok again.
It didn't really happen that way. She told me irritably that she like to club alone when she saw me beside her. So me and bro Qi went out of the club (I'm not really into clubbing). He listened to me pouring out my frustrations. As u can imagine, by then I was really affected. It hit a breaking point. ME and her left for school at about the same time. Despite knowing I was sad(Hell the whole world can see it) she told me that she was going back with her own friends. I went back with Qi in a cab and I asked to be dropped at the science bus stop. I couldn't stop myself from crying. Yeah, I know guys shldn't cry. But at that time, I couldn't give a damn about the world anymore. For 3 days, she had virtually ignored me and I couldn't take the pain and puzzlement. It was ok if she was sad abt Fred, but I wanted her to tell me what the heck was going on. I smsed her to meet me at the engine bridge. She was tired she replied. God damn it, I told her, stop avoiding me! Finally she told me to wait for her at Temasek Hall bus stop. She was sending another friend of mine back to eusoff. He was drunk apparently. I was wondering, he had at least 3 ppl helping him, without her, they will still be able to cope. Why is she insisting on being with them when she knew something was amiss?
I walked over to Temasek, and the cool night air calmed me down somewhat. When I saw her sitting at the bus stop, I resolved to keep my cool. I asked her politely what happened and did she not see that I knew she was avoiding me? At first, she denied it. I then took out the baby sock( we used socks as our hp pouchs. Now u know y I still carry them abt.) she gave me. I told her that if she was serious about us, she better behave as such. I told her its no point acting like a couple if she didn't want to put in the effort. The exact happenings is quite lost to me. I was in a daze and I had drunk abit. She was sullen at 1st, but slowly she told me its cuz she did not feel comfy sleeping together. I told her, if that is so, I won't press her. We'll sleep seperately from then on. Turns out that Fred and her shared a really long history together and she was thinking abt him after the 1st night. I told her, I'd put in 110% effort and I just want her to try. As long as she tried I'm satisfied.
I remembered the Kimchi noodles she made for me a few days before the camp and I decided that perhaps she really didn't mean to make me sad. So we made up and thats the end of this chapter. But already, the seeds that were to breed discord were already sowed.
The Chawamushi:
For her, I knew she liked chawamushi so I made it a point to learn it for her. For ppl who think its just steamed egg, well, there is sake and bonito stock to be added. Anyway, I remembered the 1st chawamushi I made for her had sharks fin in it. Lol, and scallops. I only wanted the best for her. I tried to find the fish cake she liked, but to no avail. I borrowed a recipe book and went to her place to cook for her. You know, again, I felt the happiness. We were like husband and wife, I was doing the cooking, she doing the encouraging haha. She looked soo cute with her specs perched on her small nose, her eyes were sparkling with mirth as she watched me bustle around the kitchen. Hey what do u know? It was quite successful! We steamed the egg for 20 min over a really slow fire. And there was the smooth surface u see in restaurant-level chawamushi. Haha, she was so happy and I can recall her clapping her hands in delight. She is so innocent and adorable.
The things she did:
She did cook a few things for me. The kimchi noodles! God, it was the first time a ger cooked me food! (Besides my mum, but mums are asexual anyway.) I had to go to work that day and I dropped by her house. This was before the orientation. I fell alseep on her bed. She was typing a book for her professor.( She is a dean's lister) I had no idea she was going to cook for me. But she woke me up abt 15 mins before I had to go. She was about to pounce on me when horror, I heard something crack. It was my freaking spectacles! I had left them on her floor and she accidentally stepped on them. I had the noodles while she tried to fix them for me. Her brow was furrowed as she tried to screw the nail back in. But as it turned out, the frame itself was broken. I had to get a new frame and I had to work! The new frame costed me $70 and I was thus late for work. (it was the 3 mths break) But all I felt was the warmth inside. Jiali would cook me soup too, with ham added in. Campbell mushroom soup thus became my fav soup. =)
Ok to be cont, I am damn tired le la
~} Moonshine
Well, I decided to record down the whole story between me and my 1st love. Just in case I grow senile and die eh.
Right, the story began
Orientation:
I got a buddy called Weiqi and one fine day in feb 2004, he asked me, "Bro, wanna join CAC orientation camp as an OGL?" And I said "Yeah, y not, sounds fun."(Obviously I had to have agreed, if not it would have been end of story hehe)
So, there was the interview. I got this OGL in charge's number. She was called Jiali. It was arranged that the interview will be held at OKR, and so I went there. Before that, we had exchanged a few smses. So when she saw me, she was taken aback. Why? She said " EH! I tot u were a gal!" HAHA, her reasoning was that I typed like a gal in my smses and my name was Wee Ngee or Winnie in pronunciation. So good start eh? She was wearing a simple black top and 3 quarters. But the first thing that struck me was, wow, she has a great smile! And wonderful eyes that seem to talk to people. U ge tthe idea. I made a booboo during that interview actually, cuz when quizzed abt my knowledge of CAC, I said "Thats a small organization right?" LOL. Actually it is the umbrella org for dances and everything cultural. Meaning BIG.
From then til the Chalet:
What happened was that I got to know her better and better, in part cuz Bro Qi knew her le (She was his ogl last time) and in part cuz we clicked? Anyway, first time we ate dinner was with Qi as well. At engine. I remembered me and him ordered prata! hahaha. I was able to chat very well with her. And she was surprised cuz I am a guy. She has this impression that guys cannot chat. LOL.
So I got to know her better, and I found out she was nursing a heartache. She had broken off with this guy, called Fred, and she was very sad about it. She never once showed her sadness, thats how strong she was. But thru the phone, I'd hear her sadness and I really felt very touched by her love for him. One day while walking down the road to YIH, she told me she lost all of Fred's msgs cuz her hp data was erased when it was fixed. I told her that I'd fill up her msgs for her again. Was that the beginning?
Chalet:
The chalet was Adrian's bdae chalet. Adrian is my Key Counillor, counselor take ur pick.
It was around April. So, what happened was that she's give me msgs, instead of asking me outright. It was weird, cuz we knew we felt something, but we didn't dare say it out. We sorta danced around the issue. That night, we went for a long walk together along the beach. A few of the couple friends of ours saw us. Anyway, she talked about her past alot and I just listened. It felt nice to share her sadness. When we got back, The gate was locked and we had to climb over it. She didn't dare to jump dwn hahahah, so I had to carry her. But it was a nice ending to a wonderful chalet for me. I remembered me and Qi caught a crab lol. FUN
Movies:
The 1st movie. Hmm, I really can't remember, but I definitely remember the movie in which we first held hands. It was DAWN of THE DEAD. Damn scary movie! LOL. I felt so blissful. LOL. And it was sweet u know. Cuz everything was so spontaneous. On the bus ride home, I asked her wanna lean on my shoulder and she shook her head at first. But after awhile, she did lean over and fell asleep. It was the 1st time I felt happy. Really happy. We went on a series of movies together and I kept the stubs until recently.
Why did I like her? Cuz she was sweet, innocent, kind hearted, caring towards her friends. She was a simple girl with simple pleasures. I remembered I made her a soup when she had her wisdom tooth operation. It was after the holding hands incident. Haha, my mum helped me with the soup. But I finally knew how cooking can be enjoyable. Cuz it is a joy to cook for ur loved ones.
KNS just saying out how we met and fell in love took so much time. Waiting for soccer. LOL, 3.55 Liverpool vs Arse-nal. Cont the story another day la.
~} Moonshine
~~Shooting for the Moon~~
A friend once told me that being there for someone does not necessarily mean that you must be there physically.
How can that be so? There is only so much a person can do before helplessness sets in. You can't see the person you are you are trying to support, there is this invisible barrier that is there.
In the end, I broke off with that friend of mine, cuz she never wanted to progress more than a net friend. I couldn't stand it, my idea of a friend was too much too different. I gave it a go, but I guess socialization won out in the end. hahaha
Now, I am faced with another situation, but this is different. I guess for me, now I have no choice but to be there in spirit lol. Though it is grating at my sense of friendship, I'll try my best as I always do. Until I cannot bear it anymore, then who knows? But this friend is very precious to me, so maybe this time it'll be different.
~} Moonshine
~~Shooting for the Moon~~
Just received a very very wonderful card from tinkerbell. Its got this wonderful silver border and the effort is very much appreciated by me. Arigato!
I read in a blog that in a r/s, it is how u feel for the person that matters, not whether it is your first or 2nd or 999th. I agree alot. My 1st r/s sucked. Well, its not the girl's fault, perhaps more of her dysfucntional family. Until I met JL, I had never thought I could have met a ?love? more fierce nor a liking so strong. It doesbn't matter if ppl said she ain't pretty, it doesn't matter if they said she is hurting me, what mattered was whether she loves me.
Its the emotions sunk into a r/s that keeps it burning.
That said, the logical part of me thinks that if the sadness outweighs the happiness, there is not much point in hanging on is there? Granted a great amount of effort has been put in by you, but if he/she doesn't treasure it, then.. Why be the one who gets hurt?
The advice I can give is "Treasure who is with you now, for only with the present can happiness be built. The past can provide memories and experience, but it is only the present that can affect the future decisively. It is hard to let go, and the person beside you must be very patient. If you have experienced a heartache and somehow, a person like this is beside you, its really another chance."
I have met such a ger after JL, she was everything a guy would want. Patient, cultured, pretty and understanding. But the feelings I guess wasn't ripe, and hence it amounted to nothing in the end.
If there is someone who is waiting for you, and is someone u feel something for, be brave. Even if you do not choose that person in the end, he or she will be happy as long as you are. That's love.
~} Moonshine
~~Shooting for the Moon~~
When fate gives u a 2nd chance, what do u do?
Do you let go of your past and jump into this 2nd chance?
Do you tarry and procrastinate til even this chance slip away?
When a chance presents itself to you, it is in my opinion that one should be brave and trust fate. If you let it slip by you because you are hung up over the past, no one will pity you when the future becomes the present and you are left with no past or future to hope for.
What then do you do? Cry in silence and lament that Fate dealt you a poor hand?
How many times is it that Fate has given us chance after chance to make amends and to learn from our mistakes but we, in a moment of tragic glory, refuse to learn and the mistakes are made again?
To all, pls treasure the present and not the past, for it is in the present that the future is built.
~} Moonshine
~~Shooting for the Moon~~
Today my dear friend Karina told me that I should update my blog, and hence, this creation. Recently, I got back in contact with a girl I lost contact for almost 3 years. She is now nursing a heartache, and I just sent a card to her. In many ways, she reminds me of Jiali, but no worries, she is she, no confusion there. Well, perhaps this is a chance given to me and her to improve on our understanding of each other. Friends forever?
Another thing is that I recently got into Hokkien songs. Very very meaningful they are! Too underated! Now do I really understand why the aunties are able to sing and sing them with so much emotions! Cuz Hokkien is actually very good for expressing emotions!
Why else would ya mum scold u in hokkien??
Wahahaha. Hokkien gives songs a poignant twang. Wonderful wonderful dialect hahaha. Cantonese too, but we all knew that already.
Gosh I need to lose weight. And I need to go for IPPT!! ShIT!
Kill me, I'm gone.
~} Moonshine
Rion